Thursday, October 14, 2010

Without my Mom, What Remains of Me?

My mom passed away on the morning of October 5th, 2010. I was there in the hospital room, holding her hand when she passed through the light and into HIS loving arms. She was everything to me. This is one of my favorite pictures of me with my mom. We'd just finished unwrapping Christmas presents and I was tucked into my pajamas for the night. I don't remember how old I was but I know that the silver plated horn became a long time companion. No, I never learned how to play a horn professionally, but I sure enjoyed play acting like I knew what I was playing on it! And the toy cash register was fun for awhile until I figured out no one was going to give me real money to play with.

I look at this little snapshot from the late fifties or early sixties and I want to just pretend that some of those Twilight Zone episodes could come true and I could actually go back into that photograph and be right there.....right then.....with my mom and my family. My father is gone. My mom is now gone. I am frightened.

I have no interest in writing. The emptiness I feel inside may cause me to stray from writing. I've had my serious bouts of giving up the writing and concentrating on other things in the past and I suspect this may sever me completely from the barely glowing embers of my passionate affair with writing. I may seek diversion in something more immediate. Instant gratification might be what I need right now and writing doesn't provide me with that. Who knows.

I know this particular blog is just a way for me to express what I'm feeling right now and not really anything many of you will be interested in. Please hold on to all the moments you can capture with your parents if they are still alive.....or with family and loved ones.


Julianne said...

*Patty* Sweetie, I know anything I can say might sound cliched,so I'm just popping in to say I'm sending you love and healing. I hope you can channel this pain into something wonderful. *huge hugs*

Val said...

dear patty;

the drapes in your photo are vintage 1959 fabric;
as for your awful pain about yr mum's passing; this too shall eventually pass. Meanwhile hang in there , a terrible cliche , but it actually describes something necessary to do; stay in the moment, and
grieve and then time will drag you on.

Val said...

dear patty;

according to the drapery fabric, thi s picture is about 1959.

With regard to your mum's passing: it is so hard
to work through grief, but time really does help.
Meanwhile the first Christmas is the toughest,
I wish you well. This too shall eventually pass.

Mary Wallace said...

Patty, I was with my mom when she died in August 2008 and it was a holy experience. She'd been well, fell down and was hospitalized and then caught a Noro virus at the hospital, went into a coma and died a week later. Tough. You are such a wonderful daughter, sharing this. I just found your blog and I thank you for it. Of course you took months off! You needed to process. Its hard to find our way on this earth without our mothers a phone call away. I picture my mom sitting on one side of me and my father on the other whenever I need help. I hope you feel her with you still! And thanks for your work here on the blog!